I miss

I feel like opening every blog that I write with a cliche. I don't know what is worse though, writing or actually believing that my situation is just one big cliche. I wish that I wasn't so self centered. I look for a shoulder to lean on more times than I can count, and I give as much as I am able to, but still it doesn't even out. I feel like taking a break from the people I know. They aren't really even friends now, just people I know. This is funny because I was listening to this song by Fiona apple the other day and the lyric was something to the effect of saying that after time all we have to do is wave across the room. What happens to me in my life is no one elses concern but my own. And it seems that except for a very few percentage of my "friends" that I've known for a while, the same theory is applied to me also. Why is it okay to ask someone to help you through a rough time, but when that person is at a similar point to turn away and ignore them? Rhetorically speaking of course, believe me I am aware of the male attitude towards emotions, if it was really important they still wouldn't know it from a brick wall. No offense Steve, this very wide statement is applied to a very small range of people.

I don't know what is even wrong anymore, I just feel very tired all the time and I have forgotten the reason. I'm looking for a friend that isn't there anymore. Even when I try to stay in contact it is useless, and I don't know what makes me keep trying. God bless the fairweather friends for there is no other kind.

La tee da

So here I am hours away from finals and I am worried about men. How typical! I think I've met a nice one, but I am not sure just yet. You know how that whole doubt everything skepticism is, I use it all the time. But it would be nice if he were.

Sometimes there is nothing you can do but keep swimming

I invest a good part of my time in the relationships I have with friends, or to be fair to this current situation, the friends I believe I have. I just don't get why people go about doing the things that they do. We left the cradle so long ago, why isn't it easier to tell something to someones face and get it over with? Instead we build walls and intentionally hurt those around us just to push them away without giving them a reason why. Losing a friend is like losing a relationship, depending on the quality you believed your friendship to have, you may feel hurt or confused or relieved. To use my present loss I am feeling as if I am swimming in cold water, I want to get out, but I still want to swim. Eventually though, the sun will set, and the pool will close. I hate this.

This is it

I have been lately dreaming of the aunt I lost in April. I have never visited her gravesite, and I believe this is why I cannot sleep at night and not think of her. I do not want to go alone and I've asked someone to come with me, and hopefully she can. The next few weeks are going to be rather hectic, I have two tests to study for within three days of eachother, as with all the usual work and family obligations. As well as going to the hopsital this Friday. I am trying to think positively about everything, but I feel drained.

I will tell you one thing... I am not depressed. I just don't have a reason to smile.

You give me a topic and I'll write about it for days

To be honest I feel unfulfilled and I am distancing myself from my closest friends, making the mistakes with them that I shouldn't just so I don't have anyone else to lean on. I can tell you thousands upon thousands of instances where without purposefully doing so, I have still maintained a sad distance from those I love. I had one of those weird almost pragmatic conversations with someone as I was walking to my car after work, I spoke to this security guard for a good 25 minutes in this type of hellheat that is Louisiana's summer about my life and where I was, and he did as I. I displayed a somewhat odd bit of honesty in this conversation with a near complete stranger that I do not even share with you. The first ten minutes I was just waiting for the polite exit so that I could continue on with this blase day of mine, the next 5 I was imagining scenarios that would force him to shut up and go do something and then what was left I actually cared to talk to him.

The most uplifting statement I've made all month

I am expecting a good bit out of my next semester and with the chain of events that have occured these last six months I hope I can be able to pull up my boot straps and get to work. I have one of my last shot appointments the first of june, 3 more months and I will be forced to find another way to deal with my condition. The doctors I have spoken to don't know much about what I have, they've given it a label, and do not know much about the treatment. I think going under the knife one last time would solve this problem in an instant, and I will have to discuss this course of action when I can. In the meantime I would like to find someone who knows anything about this. Anyone at all.

The Dharma Bums

I am arriving at a point in my life where I am ready to move again, every time I have tried to come home it ends up at this exact same spot; me ready to leave. I see it coming every time too, it is not unexpected. I feel restrained, remote, and irate most of the time. This could be interpreted to appear to be several good signs it's time to go. With my aunt passing there really do not seem to be any severe family crises I would need to stay for which gives my opportunity, and I network so much better outside of this state. I don't really feel like going out anymore, and I don't want to be home.

Another factor to consider that just dawned on me was the fact that the add-back therapy I am on has a side effect described like this. I'm not depressed, that's not what this feels like, but my mood is dramatically different. I have to go to work, so I guess I'll continue this train of thought later.

Life going on right now

The service will be Wednesday, and thank god the "people" who decide these sort of things decided that she will be buried in the family cemetery. I had to buy a dress today, and I don't know if it's good enough. I also started my new job, I'm surprised I did it today of all days, but I survived, and it was okay. I think I'm going to go on a road trip during the end of the summer, get out of Louisiana for a month or so, we'll see. All are invited, I know some good places, but most of all I just need to get out of here.

Because I needed to read it, I needed it written down.

Today has been a day I will never forget. I went upstairs to watch television, and I heard voices I didn't recognize outside, so I opened my door and sat in the dark for a minute trying to figure out who it was, and as soon as I saw someone go through her front door I knew something was wrong because in all my years I have never seen anyone use her damned front door. I went downstairs to wake up my mother and right after that we got the phone call and I ran over. I know that if a better place does exist that she is there. My aunt survived all but a few of her family members, some have long since scattered to the wind in one way or another, but she has left people who truly love who she is. I swear to god I never want to have to see what I have seen today ever again. I am happy that I was able to say a final goodbye before the people handling the burial took her away from us. but I miss her so much. I was her little China doll. That was her nickname for me, I've had it ever since I could ever remember. Her Jo-Jo. I had to go to walmart to pick up a few things for easter supper, and I found a card I thought was appropriate and left it on her doorstep. I planted some lavender to leave at her gravesite. This morning was all we could ever ask for her. Well it's an end of an era, there will never ever be another shirley may. I love you, and I will miss you the rest of my life.

My Aunt Shirley

Her last words to me were something I will never forget. She passed away1 am on easter sunday, her favorite holiday plus there was snow/sleet. In her sleep. everything that could be asked.

There isn't a word worth saying that hasn't been said

So as I have said before. My aunt is in the last moments of her life right now. She has lost her appetite, it is hard to swallow, she is having pain no one can logically account for. It is coming to a destined end. With this statement reread by myself I find it rather callous and cold. What I have just typed is pure fact, unfeeling and unattached, it is what is happening and nothing else. But it is not what I feel. I just hope that she will not suffer too much longer and I know that that is the best that I can hope for. She has lived a long life and she has people here now who love her and want what is best. This woman is the last link my mother has to her childhood, and the last that I have to my mothers family and the matriarchy. I can't describe to you how I feel, there doesn't seem to be words to describe this. I suppose it is natural, that grief has it's steps and that this is just one of them if you believe that sort of thing. I've tried to call the people I think would want to be here to say goodbye and I hope that they either come around and do get that chance... or do whatever they think is right. I can't really do anything more that that, can I? This is all very heartbreaking for me (and other people of course, I am not alone in this), and I have tried my best not to cry in front of my aunt so that she doesn't become more distressed.

We had a bad episode this morning, and she told me some things that are making me think. And bloody hell i still sound very selfcentered when I write don't I?! I could say I don't want her to die, which is the truest thing I have ever said and meant. But it's not something that can be stopped. and here I am just rambling, with tears in my eyes, so I think I'm just going to leave this as is get some rest and do the things that need to be done tomorrow. I hope you are better than I.

man vs. monkey

I can't really tell you what is wrong right now, but it seems to me that everything that has happened continues in a different way, and I can't really make anything sound more vague and yet make more sense. I feel absolutely alone in this world. I am angry all the time, you know what I think I can pinpoint what this is. I've started back on the add-back therapy that my doctor prescribed and I think it's just enhancing my current mood. Yeah, that's got to be it. So I am a blubbering and ridiculous mess because of hormones, man I bet no other woman on the face of the planet can say that. Yeah I bet.

So I'll sum all of this up to I've had a bad night. and I wish i could replace this post with something prolific and astounding, but really. I can't. Sorry you've wasted your time. but believe me i've wasted mine too.

So Very, Very Lame

My car has been giving me trouble lately, and thinking that the dealership where I bought the thing would know immediately what the problem was I took the car there like a fool with this illfounded expectation of instant gratificationke a fool was proven absolutely wrong. After my fourth trip to this dealership I have given up on ever finding out what the problem is with my car and am at my wits end. Oh if only I payed more attention when my father would let me work on his cars with him. Oh if only.

Now I have my "big brother" going to come with my today to this dealership and maybe with the help of a man can convince the other men that this car is worth fixing because the woman might be a fool and believe their lies, but she has a big brother that knows better. So glad I have a sibling.

The one big teardrop

I feel like I am falling into a void. Whether it is a subconscious wake up call, or the proverbial slap across the face. I do not know. I have not been doing as well as I had hoped. I'm still "at home" for one. But now on top of that:
1. I have a (now) diagnosed chronic painful condition, where if you were to ask I'd tell you but not here.
2. My great aunt is dying, yes dying, yes she really is. I wish I could feel numb right now, but all I feel is pain. I've always been able to go about my day being numb to the environment around me, and my only "buffer" has now been impossible to produce. I feel like crying, but I'm too damn stubborn to let myself do that.
3. Off all the things in the world, my car finally has it's first mechanical problem, and after four trips to the dealership, they still can't figure what the bloody hell is wrong with it. It's frustrating.
4. I turned down the offer to go back to New York. I've made up my mind. I know it's stupid, considering the baton rouge vs. NYC scale, but it's already been said and there is no taking it back.

I can't really tell you how amazing it has been to go through all of these little things. I am a self realized selfish egotistical, brutal fool. To whoever you are, I hope you are enjoying your day. I now have to go pick up my nephew from school.

I've heard these words before

I'm sure you have too.