in so many words.

Because I have no one to speak to about some of the events that have happened over the last twp months, and maybe because I took my contacts out a minute to ago and it's a pain in the butt to stare 6 inches away from the screen and still not know what i am typing. This is going to be very poorly composed.

Mostly I guess I write these blogs because I feel if I said what I meant to those these are mostly firected to, I wouldn't have the courage to completely explain myself. I'm not going to say anythign that is going to get anyone into trouble, and if after reviewing this tomorrow I need to edit a few things then I will.

I've had to for the last several weeks had to deal with some pretty extraordinary circumstances, none of which have been my own making and in review for the most part I do not see my supposed fault in what has been a very trying time for my family.

I have had quite a burden placed on my shoulders because of the actions of those people I am related to. Even if I speak of the anonymously I am afraid they wouold still find some objection to this admission. Yet another thiing I do not need. . I will sum it up with the analogy of being in a war zone.

And for their sake I do worry for them quite much.

For myuself I am relinqusihed to the fact that I am a beast of burden and a trained dog. I have lost my independence to care for my nephew while his parents have found it possib;e for themselves to move on with their lives, have jobs, boyfriends/girlfriends and all the while maintaining what appears to be a normal life. Even my own mother has found it possib;le to take time for herslf to lie a "normal" life.

I would love to go to school fill time, have my own apartment, work more, DATE! I cannpt count how many times I have refused a cup of coffee just because I knew I couldn't devout myself evough time to simply get to know someone because of my responsibility to my nephew. And here are his parents. divorced they may be. living a normal life. rarely has my nephew in the last month spent the night with eather or them. and they are his PARENTS!

It's not like I expect anything to change. and he is a great child, I am happy to have him. but I really do wish .... I don't even know. i wnat all those things that his parents have, I want the things I want. I don't want to have to worry about getting him from day care every day, getting him to and from football practice, making sure he does his homeworl , axhwsulinf my life around his schedule and his parents schedule. You know the last time I actually went out? August of last year. YEAH.

And now something I can talk about, because ti's in so much no one elses business and therefore no one can get anfry at me for voicing my opinion. My stepfather died. well, ex. anyway. and now it's getting late and I guess i will have to conitnue this tomorrow.