Forgot or stepped away

I cannot possibly even begin to relate what I have gone through this year. It wasn't that my father died, well of course it is. But that I took care of him and found myself helpless in the face of his disease, I feel like I have been gutted from the inside out. My poor father was not a perfect man, but to his credit he never stopped trying to do the right thing in any situation. I grew up idealizing him and making him into this giant god figure. I wanted nothing in this world but to make him happy and proud of me when I was a child. He would come in and out of my life during certain points but always making an effort to be there for the big events, to take me to our families annual christmas party, to sometimes make it to my birthdays, to pick me up for a weekend and go fishing, he was my father and I love and miss him very much right now. I do not know what else to say, I started writing a blog because I find that I type faster than write so this is a less intensive journal. There are things even here that I want to say but can not. I want to tell each person I have written about how I feel, but can not. And now I've lost someone so close to me that I don't know how to bounce back, how to move on... etc. cliche' you can come up with. If I had to summarize what the last 12 months have been to me it is all summed as such with the loss I have experienced of the people I have cared for and about.
I suppose it started back in October with the passing of my grandmother, I began to distance myself from friends because I didn't want to burden them with my grief knowing that what free time I used to have for them had been sucked away to school and studying for quite some time. In December I experienced the loss of a close friend/sometimes lover over something extraordinarily stupid on both our parts, and finding my father ill I had to place all of those emotions on the backburner to focus on his illness and holding onto what hope we had left at the time. Now I see this for lack of a better term, "acquaintance" with someone I thought was new until recently, and it is almost second nature now and a hard urge to fight, that I want to go to this person and ask for support. I now consider almost every friend we had in common old hat again wish I could think of something better to say. You have no idea how much it meant to me to see a text from someone while my father was ill. Nor how much it means to me that other people never bothered. Or even worse... made it clear they didn't care about me after years of knowing them. I regret the time I wasted trying to hold onto friendships that had parted ways long before we truly did. I've never been much for a storyteller, it's also 2 in the morning. I guess what I am trying to say is I'm going to start updating the blog more often.