The Dharma Bums

I am arriving at a point in my life where I am ready to move again, every time I have tried to come home it ends up at this exact same spot; me ready to leave. I see it coming every time too, it is not unexpected. I feel restrained, remote, and irate most of the time. This could be interpreted to appear to be several good signs it's time to go. With my aunt passing there really do not seem to be any severe family crises I would need to stay for which gives my opportunity, and I network so much better outside of this state. I don't really feel like going out anymore, and I don't want to be home.

Another factor to consider that just dawned on me was the fact that the add-back therapy I am on has a side effect described like this. I'm not depressed, that's not what this feels like, but my mood is dramatically different. I have to go to work, so I guess I'll continue this train of thought later.

Life going on right now

The service will be Wednesday, and thank god the "people" who decide these sort of things decided that she will be buried in the family cemetery. I had to buy a dress today, and I don't know if it's good enough. I also started my new job, I'm surprised I did it today of all days, but I survived, and it was okay. I think I'm going to go on a road trip during the end of the summer, get out of Louisiana for a month or so, we'll see. All are invited, I know some good places, but most of all I just need to get out of here.

Because I needed to read it, I needed it written down.

Today has been a day I will never forget. I went upstairs to watch television, and I heard voices I didn't recognize outside, so I opened my door and sat in the dark for a minute trying to figure out who it was, and as soon as I saw someone go through her front door I knew something was wrong because in all my years I have never seen anyone use her damned front door. I went downstairs to wake up my mother and right after that we got the phone call and I ran over. I know that if a better place does exist that she is there. My aunt survived all but a few of her family members, some have long since scattered to the wind in one way or another, but she has left people who truly love who she is. I swear to god I never want to have to see what I have seen today ever again. I am happy that I was able to say a final goodbye before the people handling the burial took her away from us. but I miss her so much. I was her little China doll. That was her nickname for me, I've had it ever since I could ever remember. Her Jo-Jo. I had to go to walmart to pick up a few things for easter supper, and I found a card I thought was appropriate and left it on her doorstep. I planted some lavender to leave at her gravesite. This morning was all we could ever ask for her. Well it's an end of an era, there will never ever be another shirley may. I love you, and I will miss you the rest of my life.

My Aunt Shirley

Her last words to me were something I will never forget. She passed away1 am on easter sunday, her favorite holiday plus there was snow/sleet. In her sleep. everything that could be asked.

There isn't a word worth saying that hasn't been said

So as I have said before. My aunt is in the last moments of her life right now. She has lost her appetite, it is hard to swallow, she is having pain no one can logically account for. It is coming to a destined end. With this statement reread by myself I find it rather callous and cold. What I have just typed is pure fact, unfeeling and unattached, it is what is happening and nothing else. But it is not what I feel. I just hope that she will not suffer too much longer and I know that that is the best that I can hope for. She has lived a long life and she has people here now who love her and want what is best. This woman is the last link my mother has to her childhood, and the last that I have to my mothers family and the matriarchy. I can't describe to you how I feel, there doesn't seem to be words to describe this. I suppose it is natural, that grief has it's steps and that this is just one of them if you believe that sort of thing. I've tried to call the people I think would want to be here to say goodbye and I hope that they either come around and do get that chance... or do whatever they think is right. I can't really do anything more that that, can I? This is all very heartbreaking for me (and other people of course, I am not alone in this), and I have tried my best not to cry in front of my aunt so that she doesn't become more distressed.

We had a bad episode this morning, and she told me some things that are making me think. And bloody hell i still sound very selfcentered when I write don't I?! I could say I don't want her to die, which is the truest thing I have ever said and meant. But it's not something that can be stopped. and here I am just rambling, with tears in my eyes, so I think I'm just going to leave this as is get some rest and do the things that need to be done tomorrow. I hope you are better than I.

man vs. monkey

I can't really tell you what is wrong right now, but it seems to me that everything that has happened continues in a different way, and I can't really make anything sound more vague and yet make more sense. I feel absolutely alone in this world. I am angry all the time, you know what I think I can pinpoint what this is. I've started back on the add-back therapy that my doctor prescribed and I think it's just enhancing my current mood. Yeah, that's got to be it. So I am a blubbering and ridiculous mess because of hormones, man I bet no other woman on the face of the planet can say that. Yeah I bet.

So I'll sum all of this up to I've had a bad night. and I wish i could replace this post with something prolific and astounding, but really. I can't. Sorry you've wasted your time. but believe me i've wasted mine too.

So Very, Very Lame

My car has been giving me trouble lately, and thinking that the dealership where I bought the thing would know immediately what the problem was I took the car there like a fool with this illfounded expectation of instant gratificationke a fool was proven absolutely wrong. After my fourth trip to this dealership I have given up on ever finding out what the problem is with my car and am at my wits end. Oh if only I payed more attention when my father would let me work on his cars with him. Oh if only.

Now I have my "big brother" going to come with my today to this dealership and maybe with the help of a man can convince the other men that this car is worth fixing because the woman might be a fool and believe their lies, but she has a big brother that knows better. So glad I have a sibling.

The one big teardrop

I feel like I am falling into a void. Whether it is a subconscious wake up call, or the proverbial slap across the face. I do not know. I have not been doing as well as I had hoped. I'm still "at home" for one. But now on top of that:
1. I have a (now) diagnosed chronic painful condition, where if you were to ask I'd tell you but not here.
2. My great aunt is dying, yes dying, yes she really is. I wish I could feel numb right now, but all I feel is pain. I've always been able to go about my day being numb to the environment around me, and my only "buffer" has now been impossible to produce. I feel like crying, but I'm too damn stubborn to let myself do that.
3. Off all the things in the world, my car finally has it's first mechanical problem, and after four trips to the dealership, they still can't figure what the bloody hell is wrong with it. It's frustrating.
4. I turned down the offer to go back to New York. I've made up my mind. I know it's stupid, considering the baton rouge vs. NYC scale, but it's already been said and there is no taking it back.

I can't really tell you how amazing it has been to go through all of these little things. I am a self realized selfish egotistical, brutal fool. To whoever you are, I hope you are enjoying your day. I now have to go pick up my nephew from school.